


Peace of Mind

by AllenbysEyes



Series: Distant Shores [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bonding, Dealing With Loss, Depression, Female Friendship, Gen, Moving On, Sad with a Happy Ending, Spoilers for Can't Go Back, Suicide Attempt, past lapidot - Freeform, spoilers for a single pale rose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 13:31:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14594082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Peridot knows that Lapis is gone, but still can't move on. She turns to an unlikely friend for comfort...the Crystal Gem who knows the most about what she's going through. Sequel to my previous one-shot, "The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Flyer."





	Peace of Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again! "Can't Go Back" must have really struck a personal nerve because I felt compelled to write another, slightly more hopeful sequel from Peridot's POV. (Assume this takes place before "A Single Pale Rose," though it may incorporate small elements of that episode.) Not sure if this will be the last or if I'll write more one-shots in the future. If I can give them a happy ending, I will try!

Peridot felt a little better after working out with the Crystal Gems. At least it beat moping in the bathtub all day.

She was growing more confident with her ferrokinesis. She still had trouble moving heavy objects, but she could at least control and manipulate smaller ones without much difficulty. Tin cans were a cinch, and her favorite because they were so easy to move. And so satisfying to watch the Crystal Gems blast them out of the sky with their weapons. It made her feel much more powerful than she actually was. Made her feel like she was contributing to something bigger than herself. 

And the Gems, whom she had once hated, then tolerated, were becoming her friends. They enjoyed training with her and didn't mind her company any longer. They spent over an hour on the beach relaxing afterwards, watching the Sun set and feeling the air cool. Amethyst told jokes, Pearl shared her fears and concerns, Garnet watched approvingly and occasionally chimed in a friend word or a quip. 

Peridot felt grateful for them. She really did. Even if it was still hard for her to express it in terms more eloquent than her standard "Wow, thanks."

It was so hard to make friends back on Homeworld, where everyone's lives and roles were regimented from creation to destruction, where being an individual mattered so little. Peridots, in particular, were wired to be so focused on technology and engineering that they didn't have time, or even the ability, in many cases, to empathize with other Gems. 

And after her initial encounters with the Gems, she thought that they'd never like or accept her. At most, they'd tolerate each other while working together. Except Steven, who was half-human and in a class of his own. 

Only now, here they were, just sitting here, being friends with each other. Just being there. It meant a lot to Peridot. 

But there was still something missing. Or rather, someone. 

And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't just _forget_ Lapis. 

* * *

 

After the failed gardening experiment in the Kindergarten, Peridot made an effort. They did some gardening around the Temple, with what arable land existed so close to the beach. It wasn't much - a few flowers, a couple of small veggie crops - but it was enough to make Peridot feel better. To feel like she was making a different, and not wasting her life. 

Steven and Amethyst, as usual, did the most to reach out to her. They took Peridot on trips into town and occasionally out in the countryside. They played games and told jokes and shared stories. Sometimes they even staged improv sketches with Jamie, though the very concept of "improv" seemed lost on a Gem still unsure why the chicken crossed the road. 

Which made things easier as long as they lasted. But the moment Peridot crept into the bathroom and the lights went out and everyone vanished for the night, Peridot was alone. 

Occasionally Steven would stay up with her and chat, or just keep her company, making sure she wasn't lonely or upset. More than once he fell asleep on the bathroom floor beside Peridot, who clutched his hand and relished his human warmth and presence, a reminder that even with Lapis gone, there were still people who cared about her. But it wasn't always enough.

Peridot would have nightmares when she tried to sleep, of disappearing into a black void with no one around to see her or help or keep her company. Or replaying the scenes of Lapis flying into the pink sky towards parts unknown, forever leaving Peridot's life. 

And one night, she almost ended it all.

She couldn't sleep that night, just staring at the ceiling, listening to water drip from the bathtub. Memories of Lapis washing through her mind. Desperate, crushing loneliness weighing her down.

She couldn't stand it. 

She thought about waking Steven or the Gems, which made her feel worse. Because it impressed upon her how much of a burden she was. How everyone would have to stop their lives to fit around Peridot, to make _her_ comfortable and make sure **she** was okay. 

Some friend she was. 

She snuck past Steven's room, taking a lingering peak at her young friend as he cuddled with MC Bear Bear under his sheets. Look around to make sure no one else was present. 

She climbed a ladder onto the roof of the temple, looking down at the sand below. 

She didn't necessarily plan anything. She didn't get up and actively think about killing herself. But it was a thought nagging the back of her mind. The intent was there, if not active or obvious. 

 _Everyone would be better off with out me,_ Peridot told herself, watching the sand and the waves below her.

_After all, Lapis sure thought so._

She couldn't guarantee that she'd be shattered. Peridots were, if nothing else, extremely tough and resilient, and she had survived some tough scrapes and high falls in the recent past. But it was worth trying.

She closed her eyes and readied herself, preparing to jump...

A thought of Steven flashed through her mind...and one of Lapis...

"Peridot, what are you **doing** up there?"

She opened her eyes and saw Pearl on the porch below, staring up at her with a mixture of anger and confusion. 

"Pearl? Umm, what are _you_ doing out **here**?" Peridot tried rounding the question on Pearl.

"I stepped out of my room for a moment to get...That's not the point! You should get down from there, you could hurt yourself or worse." 

 _If only you knew,_ Peridot thought, sighing. 

"Fine," she sighed, defeated. She climbed down the latter and went back into the house.

"Honestly, Peridot," Pearl scolded, now full steam into her Bird Mom routine, "I don't know what you hoped to achieve going up there in the middle of the night." 

"Maybe I just wanted to be alone," Peridot murmured.

"Everyone else is asleep or in their room," Pearl insisted. She didn't seem to get it. 

Maybe it was a good thing that she didn't. Peridot really didn't feel like telling Pearl, of all people, whom she still struggled to regard as a friend or someone truly trustworthy. 

"Forget it," Peridot said, slinking back to the bathroom and slipping back into the tub. No reason to trouble her. 

She spent the rest of the night staring out the window, watching the stars cross the sky and the moon wane and the sun slowly bursting through the darkness, until Steven's knocking snapped her out of it. 

* * *

 

That night, as the Gems prepared to return home from their training, Peridot thought about that night again.

And she thought about Pearl.

She didn't know too many details about the Rose Quartz situation, but she knew enough to know that she and Pearl had been...close. And from what Steven had told her, Pearl still hadn't gotten over the loss, even though it had occurred years ago. 

This would explain a lot about Pearl, besides her innate characteristics. Why she seemed so tightly wound and reluctant to discuss things besides missions and technology and officious Pearl things. Why her jokes seemed hollow and why her interactions, even with people she loved and trusted, often appeared stilted.

But...maybe that wasn't a bad thing. Because Peridot was that way, too. 

And, she thought, they had something in common. Something that be

Amethyst and Steven could offer her support and affection and empathy. But she didn't feel like they could understand.

Garnet might be a better choice for a heart-to-heart talk. After their initial hostility, she learned to respect Peridot's foibles and to understand what made her tick. And her offer to fuse with her, while ultimately rejected, indicated a level of trust and understanding that Peridot deeply appreciate. Besides which, she _was_ a fusion, and would probably know more about relationships than anyone.

But Pearl seemed better-placed to know about loss. And she could use an excuse to break down the wall that still seemed to separate them. 

Besides, if it didn't work...Well, she could just crawl in the tub and mope some more. 

"Uh...Pearl," Peridot said, grabbing the tall gem by the arm as they left the beach. 

"Peridot?" she asked, her eyes wide with surprise. 

"I, uh...Could I talk with you for a minute? Just you? It's...kind of important," Her hands fidgeted nervously. 

Pearl looked to Garnet and Amethyst, who hesitated a moment. Garnet shot at thumbs-up, Amethyst shrugged, and the two of them ascended the stairs up to the Temple, chatting away. 

"What's going on, Peridot?" Pearl asked, seeming a little confused. "You don't usually have much to say to me." 

"That's because...look, I'm still trying to think of you as more than just a Pearl, okay? I really am. But it's hard. I was raised a certain way and..."

"You're still upset about that?" Pearl asked, genuinely confused. "Peridot...that was such a long time ago. And I know you try. Just the fact that you went a whole day without calling anyone a clod testifies to that."

Her attempt at lightness fell flat, as she saw Peridot staring down in embarrassment. Pearl sighed, realizing that there was something deeper driving this.

She sat down on the beach, folding her legs, and patted the ground next to her, inviting Peridot to sit. 

"What's wrong, Peridot?" Pearl said. Though it wasn't hard to figure out. 

Peridot's silence confirmed Pearl's thoughts. 

"You're still missing Lapis?" Pearl asked. 

Peridot mumbled in response and fidgeted awkwardly, crossing her arms. 

"Hmm. Well...Lapis was always kind of..."

Pearl stopped herself from her natural inclination, of offering a brutally frank opinion of their acquaintance. She'd never really warmed to the Blue Gem, considered her flighty and unreliable and maybe a little selfish, but she realized how much she meant to Steven and Peridot both, and tried to keep their interactions civil. 

"She's...been through a lot," Pearl said diplomatically. "It's hard for her to just settle down some place and act like everything is normal. Especially if she thinks that the Diamonds are coming for us."

"But she didn't _know_ that," Peridot muttered. "She was afraid of something that hasn't even happened yet."

"Well," Pearl reminded Peridot, "so are we."

"Hmm." Peridot considered this, though it didn't make her feel better. Because her response wasn't to run away.

A long, awkward silence assumed. 

"I feel betrayed," Peridot admitted, her voice starting as a choked, tortured ramble. "Someone whom I considered a friend just...someone I really, really liked and...maybe even...I dunno! Maybe I loved her! I can't say! We Peridots don't really know much about love or affection firsthand, so it's hard for me to process these things. But me and Lapis spent so much time together that just being apart from her is torture. And I can't go a second without thinking about her! And what she did! And...what she means to me." 

Her voice cracked as she said the last part, and she seemed on the verge of tears. 

"Anyway...I thought about it, and I know...you went through something similar," she said at last. Still somewhat afraid to breach the topic.

And now Pearl understood. 

"How do you deal with...losing someone...you loved?" Peridot choked out. 

"How do I deal with...?" Pearl's eyes went wide and she froze, not sure how to answer the question. Because everything Peridot said about Lapis...is how she still felt about Rose. And she wasn't sure that she **was** dealing with it.

"Peridot...I don't know if I'm the person to ask," Pearl admitted shyly. "I mean, it's been 13 years and I'm still...Moving on isn't easy for me. You know I'm a Pearl. I'm hardwired to be a certain way, no matter how hard I try to be my own Gem. And when I...form an attachment, it doesn't just...go away. If anything, it makes me feel empty. Like I have no purpose any more." 

"But...you're such a strong Gem," Peridot insisted. "You do so many amazing things that...I mean, if someone told me that a Pearl was even capable of doing the things I've seen you do, I'd laugh in their face." 

It came out a bit condescending, but Pearl accepted the complement with a chuckle. 

"Thanks. It's a battle," she admitted, staring out to sea. "A battle I fight every day. It's not easy to just move on from someone you've devoted your entire life to. I was with Rose for thousands of years and...Yes, I felt betrayed too when she left. I couldn't understand _why_ she left and why she did what she did. I still don't, really, even though Steven's...He's everything Rose was and more.

"And sometimes, that's enough to make me feel better, knowing that her legacy is someone so beautiful, so pure. But...I replayed that scenario over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it. Trying to figure out what she would leave me and the others alone to..."

She almost said deal with her mess, or something similar, but it didn't come out that way. 

"The only way forward is to...make peace." She was really trying to offer advice, even though she knew she was awful at it.

"Make peace?" Peridot wondered.

"Accept that she's gone, and that she made her decision," Pearl said, as if trying to convince herself as much as Peridot. "Lapis...did what she did. She made her choice. It's what she wanted. Maybe it hurt you. Maybe it hurt her, too. I'm sure she's not entirely happy out there but..."

"I don't want her to be sad!" Peridot interrupted. "If she isn't happy somewhere else, then...what was all this _for_? At least if she were happy somewhere else, maybe that could help me a little, but..."

Pearl looked away for a long moment, trying to puzzle this out. Then she whispered quietly:

"Maybe she wanted **you** to be happy."

Pearl's words broke Peridot's heart. She made a weird, squeaky groaning noise and broke down into tears. Pearl awkwardly tried to comfort her. 

"She wanted me to be happy?" Peridot asked through tears and spasms of sadness. "Then why did she leave? She knew how I felt about her! And..."

"Peridot, I'm not...Please don't cry," Pearl said, trying her best to be a comfort. But Peridot's tears splashed on her blouse, and made _her_  start to cry.

"Please, Peridot," Pearl said, allowing the green Gem to cry herself out. "I think...you need to understand something about Lapis. We didn't talk much, or get along any more than we had to, but we had a few things in common. And...I think I might understand why she did what she did."

Peridot nodded, still sobbing slightly and pulling away from Pearl. 

"When me and Rose were together, I would do anything for her," Pearl said, stroking her arms and trying to comfort herself. "And a lot of times...it made me miserable. Sometimes it resulted in my being poofed, or feeling remorse, or not being sure if I did the right thing...It left me with a lot of grief. But then I knew it made her happy, and that...was enough to make me live with it." 

"Maybe that's not the right way to think about a relationship," Pearl confessed. "I'm not saying I was right to think that way. I always thought it might just be a Pearl thing. I never really questioned it. 

"But Lapis...I know it's weird to say, but I see a lot of myself in her. She's been through so much, and...sometimes she doesn't think about what's best or most logical or even what makes her feel better. She feels bad about what's happened, and what she's done and how she feels, and she just...wants a way out. Maybe she's given up trying to make herself happy. Maybe she thought, if I can't make myself happy, at least I can do what's best for my friend. By removing one thing that complicated my friend's life..."

She put a hand on Peridot's shoulder and smiled through a vale of tears. 

"Anyway, that's a feeling I know very well." 

"Great," Peridot muttered. "I broke her." 

"That's _not_ what I said," Pearl said, shaking her head. "You didn't do **anything** except give her a friend and a partner when she needed one. I know it's hard to understand, and again, I'm not saying it's the right way for her to think. Some people...some of us..."

How to explain depression to someone who never experienced it?

Pearl still fumbled it every time she tried. It seemed like such a _human_ concept, but a Gem's mind could be damaged or destroyed just as much as a person's. Maybe even more so, considering how much longer Gems lived. 

And at least humans had medicines and therapists that could help, if not solve everything. If you were a mentally ill Gem, you were on your own. Hoping that it wouldn't affect you so much that you couldn't function. Hoping that your friends or colleagues might empathize with you.

Either way, you had to plow through, do your task and hope you didn't fail, or else you'd be shattered. Because the line between a Gem with mental illness and a defective Gem...was nonexistent. It existed merely at the discretion of one's superiors. 

"Sometimes our minds don't process things the way they probably should," Pearl continued. "We have a hard enough time understanding ourselves that it's very hard for us to grasp what _others_ want. And sometimes we conclude...that the problem is us." 

Peridot considered this for a long moment. 

"So, I don't think Lapis was being selfish," Pearl said. "I think she thought she was doing the right thing. That's cold comfort to you, I know. Just like Rose becoming Steven...It doesn't hurt you any less knowing it was her choice and that she thought it was best. But maybe...Maybe putting it that way can help you understand why someone would...do something like that."

Now Pearl was the one crying. And now it was Peridot trying to comfort her. 

"Well, this is awkward," Peridot said, uncomfortable at the absurdity of the situation.

And Pearl, to her surprise, laughed. 

"Anyway...I'm sorry. I'm too much of a mess to really help you deal with loss or grieving. But maybe...I'm sorry."

Pearl hugged herself and turned away.

"Pearl, you are not a failure," Peridot said. "And you have nothing to apologize for. I mean, I came to you. And I feel like...I didn't know Lapis nearly as long as you knew Rose. Like, not even a drop in the bucket in comparison. But I felt so intensely about her, it was like...we'd always known each other. And I never thought it would end. And now it did, and I can't move on"

"You _can't_ move on," Pearl said in defeat. "Wait, no, I didn't want to say that. That sounds wrong...Let me put it a different way. I think right now you want to forget Lapis. Which isn't the same thing as moving on...You think if you can pretend Lapis doesn't exist any more, that she isn't still out there and that you don't think about her at all." 

"But I don't want to forget Lapis," Peridot protested. "I want her to be here right now."

"Maybe," Pearl conceded. "But the way you talk about _moving on_ makes it sound like you don't want Lapis to be in your thoughts at all. And that's...that's not going to happen. Not if she made that big of an impression on you."

Pearl closed her eyes, fighting another swell of sadness inside her. 

"The best you can do is...try to understand her. And try to keep living your life. It's hard. It's hard every day. I've been suffering for so long, it's hard for me to know anything else. But...you have to take comfort in what you still have. Your friends. Your life. And know that there's still a reason to live."

Pearl turned back towards Peridot.

"It's what she would have wanted." 

Peridot hugged Pearl again, and Pearl returned her hug with much more firmness and sincerity. 

"Sorry, I'm sure that doesn't help," Pearl said. 

"It helps a lot," Peridot assured her. "Maybe I was looking at this the wrong way."

"Yeah," Pearl said. "I can relate to that, too." 

"Wow, thanks," Peridot said, and this time her weird little catchphrase made Pearl laugh. 

"Come on, let's join the others," Pearl said. "It's starting to get dark, and I need to rest after today's training."

"Okay," Peridot said, clasping Pearl's hand for a moment until she pulled away. 

Part of her still felt sad, but she felt so much better now that she'd talked with Pearl. And made a new connection.

Or solidifying one that already existed. 

Before joining Pearl inside, Peridot looked up at the stars overhead, just starting to become visible in the twilight. And thought about her friend once. 

 _I hope you're happy out there, Lapis,_ Peridot thought, smiling for the first time in weeks.

_I'll try to be happy for your sake._

 

 


End file.
